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Mar 19, 2010

Strategies on How to Save Twilight Fans Before They Rent or Buy

So tonight I'm going into work and at midnight, I have to stock the shelves with the new Twilight movie, New Moon. I'm a big fan of all things vampire except these books and movies. I watched the first film and laughed my butt of the whole time. Worst thing I've ever seen: bad vampire lore, bad dialog, bad acting and bad ending.

But tonight, tomorrow and Sunday, I have to deal with the uber fans looking for the new film, so here are a few various lines I plan to use on those who still might be saved from this horrible franchise:
1. No, I'm sorry we're all out of Twilight: New Moon. Perhaps I can interest you in a better teenage/vampire romance storyline that actually has good dialog and acting in it?  It's called Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the TV series and it was written by the same man who wrote Toy Story. You liked Toy Story, didn't you?

2. Really, dude ... Twilight? Listen, I know you believe watching this movie with your girlfriend will possibly get you laid, but there are other vampire movies you both can enjoy and will still keep your manhood in tack at the same time ... like Interview with the Vampire, Queen of the Damned, Lost Boys (if she's older) or Bram Stoker's Dracula. Come on, it's got Keanu in it. Girls love Keanu.

3. Again, I am not renting out copies of Twilight early but if you are looking for a vampire movies, may I suggest a movie written by an author who isn't a hack? Salem's Lot by Stephen King, perhaps? Or maybe I am Legend? We have the first Season of True Blood available and also Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire and Queen of the Damned.

4. Really Twilight? Man, that movie is for pussies. If you want to know what real vampires are like can I suggest some really bloody vampire movies and not this Queer Eye for the Creature of the Night crud? Check out Bram Stoker's Dracula, John Carpenter's Vampires, Blade (all three movies) and Underworld (all three movies).

5. Renting Twilight, huh? Gee, you must love bad vampire movies then. Can I suggest a few more? Check out Bordello of Blood, From Dusk til Dawn (Once the vampires show up, it gets hokey), Dracula 2000, Fright Night, Vampire in Brooklyn and Van Helsing.
Finally, if this doesn't work, I'm just going start throwing random copies of the movie out and make them fight for it. At least if I can't save them, I can amuse myself through the torment.


girliegeek said...

Haha excellent! I've only seen the 1st Twilight movie and I've never read the books for fear that my brain will melt.

My 2 personal favorites from your list are Interview with the Vampire and Vampire in Brooklyn (which I had a hell of a time finding on DVD!)

SerenaAzureth said...

I find this entry utterly hilarious. ^.^ I love it. <3