Why You Don't Wanna Turn Your Girl Into a Gamer?

[Writer's note: This is a satirical piece. I don't believe any of this really happens when a girl starts to play video games, so please stop posting comments like I think that way.]

As a girl gamer, I heard all about it: Guy gamers want girlfriend/wives that play games too. I see the articles all over the net that give tips on how to turn your girl into a gamer, but trust me guys, you don’t wanna do this. I’m not saying girl gamers are bad to date; I’m just saying that trying to turn the woman you love into gamer is not a good idea. If you love your woman the way she is now, you will take my advice and leave her the way she is. Girl gamers are only good when they come prepackaged that way.

Allow me to explain why.

First let me paint you a picture: You have this great girlfriend/wife. She cooks, cleans, goes to the gym three times a week, and loves to shop. She has a few annoying habits like spending too much time in the bathroom, hating guys' night, and always nagging you when you spend too much time playing video games. You love her too death though, and the only thing that would make her even more perfect is if she played video games.

Does this picture seem familiar? Well, if it does, then you don’t want this girl to be a gamer.

The first thing that will change will be her looks. That perfect hair, the perfect makeup look and amazing fashion sense will be no more, and instead you'll have a pony tailed, no makeup wearing girlfriend, who walks around the house in your old band shirt and sweatpants.

Those 5 hours that she use to spend in the bathroom will now be reduced to hour or two if you’re lucky, so she can squeeze in extra time to finish leveling up in Final Fantasy X. She will not shower on days off… oh and forget girl time at the spa; she needs that time now to harvest more gold on World of Warcraft.

Oh and that perfect little toned body; gone after months of her sitting on the couch, playing online Xbox arcade games, while she chats with hundreds of guys you’ve never met.

Next will be the sex life. Have you ever passed up sex to keep playing your game? Well, now so will she, and trust me women crave sex a lot less than guys do, so don’t expect to be getting a lot of it as long as there is a new game in the house. You’ll have to start hiding the controllers just to get a blowjob or two. This sounding good yet?

And while she’s spending all this time playing video games, where will you be? That’s right. You’ll be watching her play, because now you'll have to share the systems with her. That means you’re gaming time with be at least cut in half. Better hope that you have the house to yourself a lot or you're never going to see that controller again.

What was that you say? But you can play games together. Sure, you can. First you have to find a game that you both agree upon, and then you have to deal with the results of playing against your girl. If you win, she’ll pout and then you’ll feel bad. If you lose, you have to deal with your girl’s gloating and the fact that you got beat by a chick. Not cool, especially if it was a fighting game or a first person shooter you were playing.

And all those game nights with the guys; well now she’s going to want in on those too. No more belching, farting, drinking like crazy and taking about chicks. Nope, now she's probably going to want to make cheese platters or something for the night, instead of nachos and pizza, and the beer will probably be replaced by the 5 bottles of wine. Guys' night will never be the same. Also, you'll still have to deal with the game results problem here too. Your friends will feel bad if they keep winning against your girlfriend, but if they lose, they'll never step foot in your house again.

Remember all great visits to the game store to pick up the newest titles you wanted; well now she’ll get to tag along, and want to pick out games too. If you only have money enough for one new game, then you’ll have to compromise and you know how much fun that going to be. Plan on buying a lot of plat-formers and RPGs, dude. Oh, and that new Nintendo DS you wanted to buy. It’s going to be pink, because she thinks it’s cuter in that colour, and your game library will have Nintendogs, Super Princess Peach, and every other Mario title available.

Try explaining that to your guy friends when they ask why you have a pink DS. “Cause I wanted my girl to play video games with me.” If you’re lucky, she’ll get a Hello Kitty skin to cover it. Great fun!

Now remember that clean house you had, well expect it to look pretty nasty after a few weeks of your girl picking up a new game. Yep, she’ll spend hours a day trying to beat that final boss, while your dishes continue to pile high to the sky and laundry starts to cover the floor of your house.

So, now that you've heard what its like to live with a trained girl gamer, do you still want one? I didn't think so. Now go buy your girlfriend a new corset, some fish net stocks and a vibrator, so you two can enjoy the one think a man and a woman were meant to do together on a daily basis. ;)