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Aug 5, 2006

Why You Don't Wanna Turn Your Girl Into a Gamer?

[Writer's note: This is a satirical piece. I don't believe any of this really happens when a girl starts to play video games, so please stop posting comments like I think that way.]

As a girl gamer, I heard all about it: Guy gamers want girlfriend/wives that play games too. I see the articles all over the net that give tips on how to turn your girl into a gamer, but trust me guys, you don’t wanna do this. I’m not saying girl gamers are bad to date; I’m just saying that trying to turn the woman you love into gamer is not a good idea. If you love your woman the way she is now, you will take my advice and leave her the way she is. Girl gamers are only good when they come prepackaged that way.

Allow me to explain why.

First let me paint you a picture: You have this great girlfriend/wife. She cooks, cleans, goes to the gym three times a week, and loves to shop. She has a few annoying habits like spending too much time in the bathroom, hating guys' night, and always nagging you when you spend too much time playing video games. You love her too death though, and the only thing that would make her even more perfect is if she played video games.

Does this picture seem familiar? Well, if it does, then you don’t want this girl to be a gamer.

The first thing that will change will be her looks. That perfect hair, the perfect makeup look and amazing fashion sense will be no more, and instead you'll have a pony tailed, no makeup wearing girlfriend, who walks around the house in your old band shirt and sweatpants.

Those 5 hours that she use to spend in the bathroom will now be reduced to hour or two if you’re lucky, so she can squeeze in extra time to finish leveling up in Final Fantasy X. She will not shower on days off… oh and forget girl time at the spa; she needs that time now to harvest more gold on World of Warcraft.

Oh and that perfect little toned body; gone after months of her sitting on the couch, playing online Xbox arcade games, while she chats with hundreds of guys you’ve never met.

Next will be the sex life. Have you ever passed up sex to keep playing your game? Well, now so will she, and trust me women crave sex a lot less than guys do, so don’t expect to be getting a lot of it as long as there is a new game in the house. You’ll have to start hiding the controllers just to get a blowjob or two. This sounding good yet?

And while she’s spending all this time playing video games, where will you be? That’s right. You’ll be watching her play, because now you'll have to share the systems with her. That means you’re gaming time with be at least cut in half. Better hope that you have the house to yourself a lot or you're never going to see that controller again.

What was that you say? But you can play games together. Sure, you can. First you have to find a game that you both agree upon, and then you have to deal with the results of playing against your girl. If you win, she’ll pout and then you’ll feel bad. If you lose, you have to deal with your girl’s gloating and the fact that you got beat by a chick. Not cool, especially if it was a fighting game or a first person shooter you were playing.

And all those game nights with the guys; well now she’s going to want in on those too. No more belching, farting, drinking like crazy and taking about chicks. Nope, now she's probably going to want to make cheese platters or something for the night, instead of nachos and pizza, and the beer will probably be replaced by the 5 bottles of wine. Guys' night will never be the same. Also, you'll still have to deal with the game results problem here too. Your friends will feel bad if they keep winning against your girlfriend, but if they lose, they'll never step foot in your house again.

Remember all great visits to the game store to pick up the newest titles you wanted; well now she’ll get to tag along, and want to pick out games too. If you only have money enough for one new game, then you’ll have to compromise and you know how much fun that going to be. Plan on buying a lot of plat-formers and RPGs, dude. Oh, and that new Nintendo DS you wanted to buy. It’s going to be pink, because she thinks it’s cuter in that colour, and your game library will have Nintendogs, Super Princess Peach, and every other Mario title available.

Try explaining that to your guy friends when they ask why you have a pink DS. “Cause I wanted my girl to play video games with me.” If you’re lucky, she’ll get a Hello Kitty skin to cover it. Great fun!

Now remember that clean house you had, well expect it to look pretty nasty after a few weeks of your girl picking up a new game. Yep, she’ll spend hours a day trying to beat that final boss, while your dishes continue to pile high to the sky and laundry starts to cover the floor of your house.

So, now that you've heard what its like to live with a trained girl gamer, do you still want one? I didn't think so. Now go buy your girlfriend a new corset, some fish net stocks and a vibrator, so you two can enjoy the one think a man and a woman were meant to do together on a daily basis. ;)


Matthew "Sajon" Weise said...

My girlfriend was like that when I met her.

Anonymous said...

What if she is currently messsy, we never have sex and she sits on her arse watching TV so that I can't get on to play, surely then it's a bonus..

simply not edible said...

But I already have a pink DS! And Nintendogs! And Super Princess Peach! Now, where is that girlfriend?

Anonymous said...

While I was reading this post, I was thinking "gee I'm glad mine came as a gamer". By the time I was done though, I realized how very very true it is. Luckily, we both have gaming PCs, and I don't play on the PS2 much (if ever). But all in all, a very true article. Well done!

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but the point of the article seems to be that playing games will somehow defeminize a woman, while at the same time making games and game-related activities "girly" or something. Also, the idea that it's better for a wife/gf not to play games so that she instead spends her time cleaning, cooking, and looking pretty... is kinda backward. I'd rather be with someone who shared my interests--someone I can talk to, hang out with, and yes, fart in front of without embarrassment. A best friend, not an oven/vacuum to have sex with.

I also think there are plenty of guys who can handle a copy of Nintendogs and Princess Peach without feeling like their (clearly delicate) masculinity is in danger.

Anonymous said...

In response to the above comment, that's not what I got from this at all. What I think she meant was that turning your girl into something she originally wasn't will change her dramatically and all those little things you love about her can and most likely will disappear.
I greatly enjoyed the article, although I can juggle my 3+ hours of games a day with taking care of my husband, cooking, cleaning, working and keeping myself clean. : P It was a great article, and hopefully men will realize that you can't change your girlfriend to be whatever you want her to be. But they should already know that considering how much they hate it when we try to get them to change.

Anonymous said...

You left out one simple thing in your article above, which in my life is the biggest reason why having a gf gamer can blow; what if she's a better gamer than you? I Halo quite a lot. So does my brother. We take the top two slots at our monthly halo tournies quite often. We're not bad, really. But here's the thing, his wife and my gf can woop our ass. When teamed up boys vs. girls we get f***ing creamed. And there is nothing worse than getting your ass kicked @ Halo by a girl, especially if you taught her how to play it in the 1st place. And now the Halo tourny's have women taking top prize. At least we're not the only ones getting estrogen frags in the face.

Anonymous said...

ha ha
its true ive never seen a woman converted.
(yes its like a religion)
except there is a happy balance. i still go to the gym, have sex with my boyfriend, wear sexy close,cook ,buy to much stuff T_T
i dont barge i on my boyfriends "guy time" and i oder pizza for them before i leave.
...and I pwn a gears of war and as an added bonus i know how to handle guns and make bombs.
i guess why gaming girls are born.

Anonymous said...

No makeup? that sounds good, same with the ponytail hair. The sex thing i wont have to worry about (it doesnt apply if you know how to give a girl orgasm)

Gym and shower worries me. But that wont be a problem if carefully handled. I think i am going to try this if i happen to not get a gaming girl.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Ok what you said(not cool) can happen (not always though) if you gf is overly wussey or dumb but,if your girl is good enough,DIFFENTLY MAKE YOUR YOUR GIRL A GAMER.Take me for exp.I play games about 5 hours a day,my house is clean,I'm very good-looking and work about 8 hours a day,and don't like DS games.Anonymous is right it will be GREAT if handled carefully(TIME FOR SOME FUN).

Anonymous said...

Oh god look, a woman above who is advertising how great looking she is, AND a gamer!

Anonymous said...

Girl (not girlie) gamer here, I was never a girlie girl and gaming hasn't made me any more or less. I still do laundry and household chores. If I didn't I couldn't send the children off to school so I can have the ps2 or the gamecube all to myself. My 4 year old would rather watch me play Okami or any Zelda(I currently have all titles for the cube), or Shadow of the collussus than Dorka the explorer. Not sure thats healthy. Anyway I also happen to think the reasons chicks would rather game than engage in intercourse, is because the PS2 doesn't require feeding or ego stroking when your finished with it. Either way where can I find any of these guys who say they want a woman who they can be comfartable with. Cause I'd really like to meet one. So far I haven't seen or met any in reality.

Anonymous said...

I actually met a girl playing Halo 3 on Xbox live the other night - saw a few photos of her, and she is fine! She also kicked my ass a few times too.... =P

Anonymous said...

Cute, but not true. I'm a girl gamer and I'm really feminine. Girls who play video games are always fine ;).

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but I find this article a little too stereotypical. Not all Women will react that way to becoming a gamer.

No makeup? Thats great, most girls look better without it anyway.

Fashion Sense? As long as it's not 70s clothes or ridiculously frilly dresses, who cares?

Just because you play games obsessively does not mean you'll lose your body. I play upwards of 3-4 Hours a day when time allows for it, but I'm underweight.

Also, if you love your Girl to death, you shouldn't care about the clothes she wears.

Guys can handle Nintendogs, and Princess Peach, and not all girls like that kind of thing, some would much rather play a gore-fest like gears of war. Others still would prefer zelda or final fantasy.

Props for giving the advice that changing your Girl won't make her any better, but if she starts to genuinely enjoy gaming, it's not going to be a disaster unless she doesn't cope well.

Anonymous said...

It's funny, I am a far bigger gamer than my boyfriend. We've been together for 14 years, and he's always known I am a die-hard gamer, and have been since the days of Atari. And gaming has never taken away from my time working, cleaning, or 'in the bedroom' *wink-wink*. And I don't let my appearance suffer, although I admit to hating makeup. My boyfriend is glad, he loves me 'au natural'. So thankfully not all girl gamers fit the negative stereotype.

Anonymous said...

My husband's been trying to get me to be a gamer with him for some time now(we'll be married three years in July!). However, he's always on his PC or XBox...which he's playing LoTR online right now. :-P I bought the game Bullet Witch thinking I could possibly play it, but nooooo! He's on his PC 24/7 which means...I'm never able to play! I was hoping I'd get in some FPS action too...it would be an awesome way to de-stress from work. ;-)
One last thing...I'm a pre-school teacher, put in about 50 hours a week, get the chores done(for the most part), pay our bills, and also find time to go to the gym(4-5times a week). It is possible...you just have to make certain things in life a priority...like gaming AND working out. :-P

Anonymous said...

That was way too stereotypical. I'm married, we're both fanatical gamers, and neither our looks nor our sex life have suffered, thanks. I still wear makeup and have "fashion sense" even though I sometimes put in 5-6 hours playing. My hubby is a neat freak and you'll never see him in a wrinkled t-shirt. Neither of us are overweight, and neither of us prefers playing to sex. But I do agree that true female gamers are born, not created. ;)

Unknown said...


this is just for the dumb people.
This is a satirical piece. thank you

Anonymous said...

Ok Well It might be true... but I have a gamer girl as a gf... and she is awesome!!! She's not over wieght and she kicks my ass in some games... (I dont enjoy that part) She is also an Otaku! so am I... and she has her wild side... no problems with sex.! at all.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha awesome article i see where ya comin from i think that everyone in this article that argued back didnt really think about each point properly, or too literally... I am an Ex-gamer lol it was kinda just a phase for me but yeah i read it and thought u had put in some good ideas and good points, well written and interesting so thought i should atleast leave a comment :D