Test Subjects Wanted

Not sure where the original found this, but it was too cute not to post.

Aperture experimental and highly classified technology. Test duties include completing tests without dying, following orders, which may include the enhanced truth, and accepting cake at the end of the trial period. Due to the classified nature of the technology, participants must stay as a test subject at Aperture Laboratories for a minimum of 10 years, starting from when the contract is signed. By reading this wanted poster, you automatically accept the contract to work at Aperture Labs. Congratulations!

To report your whereabouts send a letter to:

Portal Dev. Dept.
PO BOX 1688
Bellevue, WA 98009

Or call:
1-425-889-9642

or yell:

"I WANT TO GET MY CAKE" and assume the party-escort submission position.

[Via Live Journal Girl Gamer]

I am official published in print ... again. But this job will hopefully stick.

Today my first review came out in the Pulse Niagara and I am pleased as punch. Anyone in the Niagara Region should know this paper and should expect to see more reviews from me in the paper. Now I'm a writer for two media types. That's so cool!

Review: Kingdom Under Fire: Circle of Doom

Kingdom under Fire: Circle of Doom on the surface looks like your typical hack and slash adventure game, but look closer and you’ll see a unique role-playing game with several cryptic stories to explore. With 5 different characters and one unlockable character, each having their own storyline to complete, players busy for quite a while as they complete each skill and goal quest offered in each new journey.

Much like Devil May Cry, your character must run through fantasy environments killing hordes of monsters in order to complete quests given to them in their dreams and from stone idols. Each character is completely customizable from their stats to their weapons which allows for a different game experience each time you play.

Graphics definitely provide some nice eye candy for gamers but they still could have been better, like Bioshock better. The monsters are well designed with different attacks and weaknesses that make you work hard in order to destroy them.



Players will pick the game controls up easily after running through the simple in-game tutorial which teaches them how to fight, use special abilities and navigate the menus. Don’t expect the fighting system to be all button mashing though since players can only attack until their stamina runs out. This forces players to be more strategic in their actions during large battles.

Camera angles make fighting so difficult that\ you have to keep enemies at the top of the screen at all times or the monsters will overwhelm you from hidden areas. Skill quests are generally long, so new skills tend to few and far between.

KUF: COD offers single player mode and also online co-operative play with up to 3 other players. Co-op isn’t available offline though but at least online co-op is glitch and lag free.

Rating: 7 out of 10 – Buy
Available now on Xbox 360 and Playstation 3

Review: Burnout Paradise - Available for PS3 and Xbox 360

Welcome to Paradise city where there are no boundaries.

Electronic Arts is spicing up the racing world with a new open world concept for the latest chapter in the Burnout series, Burnout Paradise which is bound to attract even the most casual gamer. Players will have the ability to explore every roadway in the city even before they enter their first race, which will allow new gamers to familiarize themselves with the game first and for hardcore fans to learn every secret shortcut to help them dominate in online racing world.

Over 120 events are available from the get-go to test single players against the computer in speed, skills and timing, but there is also online gaming for players who want to battle it out with up to 8 other players. There is variety of event types to choose from, like check point racing, stunt driving and death racing where players are the target of destruction for all the computer opponents. Each event provides a great challenge for experienced racing fans with some amazing A.I drivers to compete with.

The open world concept follows players into the events which allows for multiple routes that can be taken to the finish line. This allows players to try different routes and skills to win each race instead of just following a mapped out course each and every time.



The famous crash mode, where you cause mass destruction is still here but its called showtime now. Of course, all events will allow players to unlock new vehicles and modifications which will increase their chances of winning in future events.

Players menus make it easy to compare stats, change vehicles and invite friends to hit the streets with you. The activate cityscape really allows for some interesting and realistic game play as the city provides endless activities to explore and secrets to discover.

Players with the Sony Eye Cam or Xbox 360 Vision Cam will be able to take advantage of the mugshot feature which takes moment of impact reactions of you and your fellow players. Imagine the fun you could have that feature.

The Playstation 3 version of the game definitely sports the better graphics of the two systems with better textures and no pixelation, but honestly both versions will you impressed with the life like vehicles and smooth looking landscapes.

This is definitely a game for seasoned Burnout players but even the casual race fan can jump in and play with ease.

Rating 8 out of 10 - Buy this!

Stories about annoying customers

Customers are the best source of amusement during a long work day.

Today I had a woman who tried to return a broken Nintendo DS. She bought it 2 months ago and it looked like it had been through hell and back. The screen was scratched and covered in pet hair, dirt, etc. and the hinge had been complete cracked open.

I told her we couldn't take the item back since the problem had obviously been caused by the owner of the unit. She protested, of course and asked why we could do anything for her. I explained again that the problem wasn't a manufacturer's mistake that it was the owner's fault for not taking care of the unit.

So she caves and just buys another unit for her little grandson (tells me this afterwards). I advise her that made this time she should buy a durable case for the unit to avoid future breaks. She tells me that her grandson did have a case. I guess he wasn't using it then cause the DS was in disgusting shape. Like it was a used dog toy or something.

I love the parents who try to return an item that was obviously destroyed by their kids and they just end up buying another one after we refuse to take it back. Great lesson to teach your kids. No, it's okay to treat your stuff like garage, cause I'll always buy you another one if it breaks.


I had another woman who tried to return her son's PSP when it apparently had a problem with the screen. I pull the unit out of the box, install the battery pack and game and turn the unit on. The only thing that appears on the screen is a giant, shiny crack that looked like a spider web. I ask her what happened and she claims her son had it for an hour and then started crying when it stopped working.

I look at her funny .... "So, he dropped it and then started crying when it stopped working?"

"I don't think so."

"See this crack in the screen. That doesn't just happen on its own. He dropped the unit or something and I can't do anything for you in that case because we only cover items that break due to a manufacturer's defect."

"Oh .... okay. I guess we'll just have to buy another one."

"May I suggest a protective case?" *smiles*

Gizmodo banned from CES for stupid TV pranks

I admit I laughed my butt off watching the guys from Gizmodo screw with the presenters at CES, but I think they should have considered the consequences of their actions before doing it.

The staff at Gizmodo decided to use a little product called TV-B-Gone to remotely turn off any TV in the room at CES. It would have been funny if they hadn't kept doing it in the middle of presentations. Screw with the random floor models just to see the booth people confused on how to turn the TV back on, but killing the TVs during gaming sessions and presentations and you're going to get incredibly annoyed companies calling for your blood.

This letter was sent to CNET from the CEA in regards to "Gizmodogate":

We have been informed of inappropriate behavior on the show floor by a credentialed media attendee from the Web site Gizmodo, owned by Gawker Media. Specifically, the Gizmodo staffer interfered with the exhibitor booth operations of numerous companies, including disrupting at least one press event. The Gizmodo staffer violated the terms of CES media credentials and caused harm to CES exhibitors. This Gizmodo staffer has been identified and will be barred from attending any future CES events. Additional sanctions against Gizmodo and Gawker Media are under discussion.

This ban can't be good for the Gizmodo staff since losing access to CES I think is like cutting off a limb for them. CES is the biggest electronics show in North America and Gizmodo is all about tech. Too bad for them, but if you're going to screw with people expect them to retaliate.

You have to give them credit for one thing though ... they exposed a weakness in the show. Next year expect companies to cover all IR ports on their TVs to avoid another incident like this.

Check out the video of the pranks on Gizmodo. Hey, its still funny to watch.

This is so true. Trust me, I know first hand.

Small fact about me: I once worked for the wonderful company known as Radio Shack. The company has since been bought out by Circuit City and is now known as The Source, but it will always be Radio Shack to me.

Anyway surfing Gizmodo this morning for the video of their stupid CES prank (see post above), I came across this little gem - Confessions of a Former Radio Shack Employee and just had to read it.

Everything he says is true.

* Batteries are always over priced.
* You should never activate/purchase a cellphone there and expect the sales people to fix anything on your bill later on.
* Sales people will always try to sell you something more expensive than you need.
* The sales aren't that great unless its on discontinued items
* Finally we have to ask for names and addresses or we'll get fired. It's true. The company wants 80% names and addresses for all your sales or they'll fire you. But if it makes you feel better, the company never sold the information when I worked there. Radio Shack lost a product deal with Microsoft because they wouldn't give up their information database for Microsoft use.

Funny thing is ... I liked working there. I would work there again. It's the tech geek in me I guess.

Live at 5:30 - Videogame Addiction video [Updated]

Appearing on Attack of the Show via webcam was the coolest moment in this little geek's life, so imagine the uncontrollable happy dance I did when a local Canadian TV station contacted me to appear as an expert (shows what they know) on a segment about videogame addiction. Let's just say that there was a long and merry jig performed after I hung up the phone.

CHCH Hamilton or E! has a small debate show called Live at 5:30pm where two hosts Mark and Donna talk about the latest issues with a few experts on the subject. Friday's show covered the subject of videogame addiction and I was one of three experts asked to appear on the show.

The other two guests were Mark Ouellette, an assistant professor teaching pop culture at McMaster University and Liz Woolley, the founder of Online Gamers Anonymous and mother to a son who committed suicide in front of his computer after a year long struggle with an Everquest addiction.

I really wish the segment had been longer but the show covers a couple of topics at once and they only have half an hour to cover them. It really bothers me that the con side of the conversation got more air time than the two pro sides, especially when I had the academic on my side. I felt like Adam Sessler when he debated Jack Thompson, in that I was cut off before I got a chance to rip the misinformed game-hater a new one. Don't get me wrong... I feel bad that her son took his own life, but blaming his obviously serious problems on a videogame is a cheap way out of blaming yourself or him for what happened.

Games maybe the stuff of peoples' addictions sometimes, but they are never the cause. If you know anyone who is so badly addicted to videogames or anything else that they have reverted from their family, friends and general life, please get them help before its too late. Addictions are always a serious sign of something really wrong with a person's state of mind.

[Writer's note: Sorry about the watermark. My brother-in-law ripped, edited and uploaded the video for me and the program he had to edit was a trial version. I can't complain cause my computer couldn't even process the 10 minute video. I suck.]

God of War III Pre-Order on Amazon

Amazon.com has God of War III listed as a pre-ordered with the release date set as November 18th, 2008. The listing is complete with a price of $59.99 US and the wicked box art picture which is posted above.

Nice to see that Amazon is selling the game even before the developers announced that the game is even being made. Somehow I don't think the game is going to ready to ship in 11 months either but who knows. David Jaffe is pretty good at getting those God of War titles out pretty quickly.

Gaming Addiction Debate on CHCH TV. (Watch me on TV)

At 5:30pm EST, I'm going to be on TV on CHCH. Live at 5 is doing a segment on videogame addiction and I was asked to come on the show as an expert on gaming.

I will be me and Mark, a professor at McMaster in the studio defending videogames and a lady from Online Gamers Anonymous on the phone who is against videogames for their addictive nature.

Watch tonight on CHCH or E!. Whatever the channel is now.

New Evil Dead Comic Book coming out on Friday, January 4th

Artist John Bolton returns this January with his adapatation of Evil Dead in a four issue comic book series written by Mark Verheiden.

It's been four years in the making, but it's finally coming out! Because of the New Year's holiday, comic book shops are getting new books on Friday, January 4th. Finally something to buy with my Buffy Season 8 comic books.

[Via Bruce Campbell News Central]

Bringing in the new and remembering the old.

2007 was good year and it ended even better than it started.

I was in a crappy job I hated and was making no money at in January 2007 and now in January 2008, I have a crappy job that I make no money at but the difference is I'm happy in this job. I spend hours surrounding by videogames and toys. I love it.

Some days I want to steal a giant stuffed dog from the floor and just sleep on it in the break room. They're so big and fluffy.

This year was a good year for games. My personal favorites for the year in no certain order are:

1. BioShock
2. Puzzle Quest (XBLA)
3. Cooking Mama 2: Dinner with Friends
4. Final Fantasy XII
5. Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales
6. The Orange Box
7. Viva Pinata
8. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
9. My Sims
10. Blue Dragon

Games I want to play soon that I missed out on this year:

1. Super Mario Galaxy
2. Overlord
3. Kingdom Under Fire: Circle of Doom
4. Mario Party 8
5. Zak and Wiki
6. Pokemon Diamond and Pearl
7. Rayman Raving Rabbids 2
8. Assassin's Creed
9. Mass Effect
10. Uncharted: Drake's Fortune/Heavenly Sword (I need a PS3.)

This was a good year for bunnies. DAHHHHH! I finally got a little Rayman Rabbids button that screams when you touch it. THANK YOU, COLETTE AND NIERO! Still need my plushie though.

I bought tons of neat videogame action figures: Resident Evil 1 & 4, Zelda: Twillight Princess and Final Fantasy X/X-2. I got a moogle and chocobo plushie. More t-shirts than ever. Plus I got on a t-shirt.

Finally got to a videogame event, X'07 and I miss you, Ryan (Cosbytron).

My nieces are gamer. My little niece was playing with her Gameboy at Christmas. Super Mario World 2 ... the memories. I'm glad to see future gamers enjoying the classics. So they be graduating to Final Fantasy games. *tears* so beautiful.

Hopefully 2008 holds more opportunities for me with Destructoid, and with new and better day jobs.

I wish everyone at Destructoid a safe and happy 2008. May your games be entertaining and long, may your system never crash and may you never run out of extra lives in any game, especially the one called life.

Review: Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker

[I'm a little late in posting this but life has been busy for me since I got a normal 9-5 job.]



I know there are a lot of closest Pokemon players out there that are afraid to admit they love to catch 'em all, but I have found a shining ray of hope for all you. Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker is a Pokemon like game that has you questing for all the monsters in the Dragon Quest universe.

You're character is sent on a mission to enter a monster scout tournament where scouts from all over the world has finish quests in order to become the ultimate monster scout. You travel through a series of islands impressing monsters to join your three monster team to help you battle through dungeons and caves to gain treasure and more tougher monsters for your team.

Along the way you meet a special creature that asks to fight by your side as you help him collect power from various temples on each island. This power will be used to help protect the world from a great evil.

Your character has the ability to give each monster orders each round and heal one monster once each round. Each monster has its own abilities to destroy enemies, affect them or heal their teammates. You can modify their abilities as their experience grows and you can fit them with weapons which you can buy in scout stations.

Monsters can be bred together to create new monsters or stronger monsters at the scout stations and you can try different group types for different fighting strategies.

To capture monsters you have to impress them with a showing of power by your current team. The higher percentage you get on impressing the monster the more likely they'll join your team. Some times you have to try a few times before the monster will join even with a high impression rate.

The graphics are pretty nice 3D graphics. There is no overworld view, just a first person or third person behind view when running around the land. The graphics aren't as polished as Dragon Quest 8 on the PS2, but they are pretty similar. Think less smooth. The characters and monsters are colourful and comical in appearance. I love how clever some of the monster names and appearances are. Better than the Pokemon characters.

The music is pretty normal. Basic adventuring music. I tend to turn the volume down on most of my games anyway, so I wasn't missing much on this basic midi sounding game. There is no voice overs, just text talk and the sound effect are standard Dragon Quest. Hacks, slashes and fairy noises.

Gameplay is pretty fun. Each island is a decent size and you don't have to spend hours running from point a to point b. The fighting system is easy to pick up on and you have more control over your monsters actions then you would think. Give orders to your monster will result in them performing that exact command, but you do have a choice to just let them fight as they want to too and that works well on easy enemies.

I really recommend this game to adult Pokemon fans and Dragon Quest fans. This game really brings the fun of both games together as well as just being a wicked RPG.

Rating: 8 out of 10